I'm calling the shots right now.

Committed will win SING OFF!!!!! I LOVE THEM!!!!!!! They freakin OWN the competition.

slightly melted Moose Tracks ice cream sounds perfect right now.

I had my last check-up last week. I'm going bi-monthly now (eek!). Glucose test went a lot better than I anticipated. Drink wasn't too bad, but really sweet. Got blood taken and I did awesome! I talked through the whole draw, but still wasn't able to watch the blood come out. ~shiver~ I need to gain 3 lbs, but I don't have an appetite. Still a potato girl and love Ritz crackers w/cheese. That's my diet. Sometimes I crave pie, and like now, I crave chocolate ice cream. I'm always pleasantly surprised when I eat old foods that I used to devour and they taste just like I remember. Did you know Hyperemesis Gravidarum (which I'm mostly over) is a disease?! Just found that out. Oh, and that it affects 0.5-2.0% of pregnant women. woot!  Just call me lady luck. As I've mentioned, I'd be on cloud nine if we discover a hidden twin in there this whole time. I'm sure I'd know by now. My size doesn't indicate more than one. But me throwing up still, seven months along, does. And that at the last two check ups, they got two different heart rates each time they placed the doppler on my belly. "oh, the baby must've kicked. that's why it shot up from 125 to 150 bpm in 0.000001 seconds." Uh, okay. I have my suspicions, but I'm too chicken to say anything for fear of looking stupid.Here's some recent pictures.

                              Going blond. Slowly..

                 Around 7 month mark. Currently 7.5 months

                                            full frontal view. you're welcome.

simplify

Probably one of my most favorite sayings, simply because there's always a way to make it happen. Sometimes it just means sitting down for a bit.
I usually bend over backwards to keep the kiddos in nursery entertained. Yesterday was too crazy, so I had the other ward's nursery come join us so I could just sit and let the brethren handle the screamers.
Sometimes it means not doing dishes.
I finally broke down and bought paper plates, bowls, and cups and officially declared "operation paper products only" to commence, only so that I don't have to wash dishes as frequently.
Sometimes it means staying home more than usually going over to friend's and family's on the weekend.
Even though I love the usual Sunday wrestle with my nieces and nephews, sometimes just laying in bed with a good book or just talking to Taylor for a few hours is just as satisfying. (however, sometimes I wouldn't mind if they came over and snuggled with me in my own bed every now and then.)
Sometimes it means less is more.
We are learning to throw away our beloved junk, as I've mentioned before. I'm almost considering getting rid of our ginormous, overstuffed couches and opting for a sleek sectional so there is actually room to walk around. I doubt I'll be using the baby's room for the first four months, so for now it's just the crib. And our bedroom mostly consists of a ginormous king bed with just enough room to walk around. I'm trying to think "college dorm room" and not so much "countryside home." Right now, we just need the essentials. Less for show, and more for eating, sleeping, and pooping comfortably.

AND FINALLY, sometimes it means learning to let others help.
I could go on forever about Taylor, how great he's been about taking over and letting me waste my day away in bed. I'm sure he doesn't love that he's pulling most of the weight, but he does anyway. And I let him. I let my mom do our laundry. I let my brother mow our lawn. I let my in laws make dinner for us. I let people give me advice about pregnancy because I'm clueless. I take hand-me-down maternity clothes that I may or may not ever wear. I know people want to help however they can, and I let them.
The one thing that is still complicated is how to keep our dogs without going crazy. Dirty creatures, that tramp in dirt all over, pee on any tile, and poop in the basement. Either we get rid of them :( or teach them how to clean up after themselves, as well as us. If they can't tidy up the living room while I'm sleeping, I just don't see what they're good for at all. jk.

what a day

I'm getting slightly more irritable with people lately. I would compare it to PMS, which is weird because I should be on cloud 9 with how great I finally feel. It doesn't take much to make me cry anymore. Little things are insulting. I think it's a combination of getting crappy hours of quality sleep and anxiety about getting everything ready. In other words, it's my problem, no one else's. On one hand I feel like I need an army to come into my house and make it pretty, but on the other hand, I'm completely capable to do it, and should do it, on my own. It's not hard, I just would rather lay down in my cozy bed and hold my belly while my baby furiously kicks and moves. I'll be honest. I don't know what I was thinking when we decided to buy a house - THIS house. I can't help but to think back on a presidency leadership meeting one Sunday morning. A fellow homeowner member added his two cents to the news that we were about to close on our house, saying "Welcome to hell." I didn't believe him at first. Apparently, they were in the process of fixing up theirs in order to sell it. They are currently living in an apartment, and I'm super jealous......My new rule of thumb is, unless you have deep enough pockets to buy a fixer upper, DON'T BUY A FIXER UPPER. Make sure, before you buy, that the owners before didn't paint all the trim and ceilings a pastel pink and/or leave kitty litter boxes full of cat crap in a dark corner in the basement. From here on out, we're either renting or buying brand new and I don't care how much it'll cost. What I wouldn't give to have a new (smaller even) house with that new house smell- you know that smell? Who thinks I should put a FOR SALE sign up and see if anyone bites?! LOL Taylor would killlllll me. He's a much better sport than me. He's also a man. Enough said.

whelmed

Today I nestled up in my covers and started reading a text book for school. Four hours later I woke up with the book still propped open and gum in my mouth. I'm assuming I only woke up because I really had to pee and was starting to dream about food. It was obviously lunch time.

It's always awesome analyzing pregnancy dreams. I hate doing this, but sometimes they're so bizarre I HAVE to tell someone, like Taylor. He always just laughs and says, "you're crazy." A common dream of mine is actually about him. In my dream I'm not married, or not married to him. But his face will pop up and I realize I suddenly have feelings for this random face. Then I start to put the pieces together that I in fact am not going to end up marrying a co-worker at the mall, because I'm already married to Taylor. And then I'm always sooo relieved after I'm revealed this truth. My dream this afternoon involved me and him living together, casually, and I kept worrying about what my parents thought. Everyone was okay with it, still I was confused. Then it dawned on me that TWO years ago we got sealed together and have spent almost everyday together since. HOW DO YOU FORGET YOU'RE MARRIED THAT MANY TIMES?

Anyways. I'm happy to announce that as of maybe two weeks ago, I am finally feeling better. General Conference was actually the last time I threw up from nausea. However, I actually threw up this morning because I ate too much oatmeal for my belly's liking. Like when lap-band patients eat too much, their body automatically throws up the excess food for them because there's nowhere for it to go but up. It's so nice to wake up in the morning and not feel like s***. lol. Excuse my strong words. I think I swore all summer long. ahh.

The boxes are slowly being organized and crap is being discarded. Taylor took a sick day off from work (he really was sick) and painted the baby's room the exact color I wanted. I came home from school and didn't know whether to cry to squeal in happiness. Every time I walk past, I smile, because it is so happy and cheery and ready, unlike me. Also, I am making dinner now. And doing laundry. And cleaning the kitchen. Such small simple tasks, but pretty big for me. It's good. It's preparing me for........labor!! AHHH!!!!! DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm secretly crossing my fingers that this whole time I've been carrying twins, they'll do a c-section instead, and I'll go home with two prizes.) Everyone, cross their fingers this is the case.

I really don't have swagger

In fact, I feel like a clown most of the day. Seriously, where is my brain?
While I was getting a drink at sonic during happy hour (busy), I managed to run over the curb at the end of the drive-through. I should have reversed, but instead I kept on going. Scuffed something on the bottom of the car, but I was so hot, thirsty, and embarrassed that I just kept driving. whoops. don't tell my husband.

We moved into this house with FOUR trailer loads of stuff. Only 1-1/2 of those loads was of stuff we actually use. The rest was pure junk. Sentimental junk. Over the summer, with my little sick fit, Taylor completely gutted the basement- carpet and anything that wasn't being used. Our basement is currently stark naked.

I feel like I belong in an episode of Hoarders. In attempt to get the baby's room ready, Taylor is currently transferring boxes of junk into the living room (as I watch) for us to go through and basically throw away or move downstairs. We are not hoarders, in fact, we are the opposite. Yet two people's lives sometimes creates a messy room stuffed with packed boxes that gets put off weekend after weekend. I can't tell you how excited I am to finally use this room.

I also can't tell you how thrilled I am to have cooler temps. I only got nauseous TWICE today- first at the library when a guy sitting at the computer next to me was wearing a bottle of cologne (why?!), and second when I was sitting watching TV and my dog farted. Must be from eating all those midget apples falling off our sad apple tree in the back yard.

swagger of a college kid

I had my first "perks of being pregnant" experience today. It was small and pretty insignificant, but one of those moments where you consider sending a christmas card to the good-doer for going out of their way to make your day.

I had a three hour lab, a thirty minute break, then lecture for an hour and a half today. During break I typically chow down on something, but today I was trapped in conversation with a friendly 19 year old who wanted to open up and talk about her life. The whole time I kept thinking about the table of food being set up for the biology department's welcome back picnic that we passed on the way in to the building.  I eyed the brownies before class and couldn't stop thinking about them.

Ten mins into lecture, I decided I needed to eat something, anything. Even a Snickers would do. So I bolt out of the room, and go to the adjacent building where I figured a candybar vending machine would be. I wasted no time and asked the Biological sciences secretary exactly how to get to the vending machine. She was quick to respond, probably because I had a crazed look in my eye. As I journeyed down the hall, a lady makes eye contact with me, smiles, and says "how are you?"

I smiled back and replied, "Good, thanks." She kept walking, but kept talking. "What are you up to? Are you doing your lab?" I answered an honest "No. I'm looking for a vending machine. I need a candy bar really bad." She stops mid-step and quickly turns around back to me and says, "Go eat those brownies on the table. There's plenty of food out there. In fact, I'll walk with you, and you can just help yourself to the cheese and fruit and vegetable tray. I promise, there is plenty of food. I know how it is, when you're hungry, you're hungry."

I was completely not expecting such generosity, especially by a random lady who was on her way home, ready to call it a day.

She walks me to the table, hands me a plate, and says, "Really, hon, help yourself." Then she walks off and I hurried and yelled "thank you!" hoping she heard me.

I filled my plate with fruit, veggies, a fattie brownie and helped myself to a drink. I found a bench off to the side, in the shade, and attacked the brownie first thing. Holy crap was it delicious!!! I should have stayed out there the whole rest of class, but anxiety got the best of me. I shoved my face with the rest of the strawberries and hurrried back to my seat.

My 19 year old friend looks at me with concern, "is everything ok?" I smiled back, probably with seeds in between my teeth and chocolate crumbs in the corners of my mouth. "yep" I replied.

Sweet success!

Redemption post

Have you ever watched Tosh.o's Redemption videos? I feel like I need about a million redemption posts to make up for the last two depressing ones. Really, my life cannot be reduced to this- there are so many good things going on around me, and when I take my pregnancy blindfold off, I think to myself, "Oh, that is lovely. Life is good. I am so blessed." etc.

Over the summer I developed an obsession with a TV reality show on Bravo called "Bethenny Getting Married?" This woman is crazy, but I love her. I loved her most of all because she was 39 years old, and pregnant with her first baby. I hate to say it, but I lived vicariously through her, watching her do normal everyday things, thinking constantly about food, taking pit stops every hour to get a treat, and putting a nursery together at the last minute. I totally connected to her and her experience, especially since all I can think about is food, and putting a nursery together is the farthest thing from my mind.

I attended my second outing for the summer last Saturday for a Phillips family reunion. It was miserably hot, but I loved seeing everyone and eating potato salad. I love potatoes. The next day, Sunday, out of nowhere, it began to rain. The shift in temperature, mixed with the smell of my mom's ribs and cheesy potato casserole in the oven, reminded me of autumn and winter. I am a true Idaho girl, as I have discovered how much I hate hot weather.  I see leaves on the ground and my heart skips a beat.

I am 18 weeks. Morning sickness is mostly done with. I can eat normally, sleep at my house normally, run errands normally,  clean up after myself normally, return phone calls normally, and think about the exciting near future normally. I'm still working on personal hygiene. Showers still gross me out.

                                                            4 1/2 months, baby!

(ps I want everyone to know how much I truly appreciate their love and concern. I may not show it, but your words of encouragement have gotten me through this rough patch. I only hope someday I can return the favor. I am so blessed to have such loving friends and family.)

my personal gethsemene

Wow. Thanks everyone for their concern and support. I guess a simple announcement would have been more kosher, but I like to give people something to read, beyond the obvious. So, here's some more of what's been going on in my world. 

Last time I checked, the baby still has a heartbeat. But many a scary things have happened in the last 3 weeks alone, I have totally changed my outlook on life.

Anti-nausea medicine worked for a few days, enough so I could go to work in the morning, but the rest of the day I slept. I lived off milk because it made me feel nourished. Ice cold milk=MMM.

Then I got really sick. I passed more blood, assuming it was the pocket of blood because it was dark brown and came out slowly. I started throwing up around six times a day again. I was light-headed and struggled just keeping my eyes open and fixed on something. Well, one morning I threw up five times before 9:30 am, and I felt the beginning of something horrible taking over my body.

Finally, one morning I surrendered and told my mom I couldn’t take the throwing up any longer. We got in the car at 5:30 am and headed to the emergency room. Of course it took 45 mins to get a nurse in the room to stick an IV in my wrist. Three liters of fluid later they sent me home and I felt better, comparatively. My face and eyes were puffy from crying and having water pump through my veins.

I got put on a clear-liquids diet. Unfortunately broth, jello, popsicles, peppermint tea, and Gatorade continued to come back up. I went another 24 hours without food and little water, so I went to the ER again, was given another liter, but this time consulted with a doctor who diagnosed me with Hyperemisis Gravid arum (aka extreme morning sickness). Since water was all I could stomach, they told me to just drink water for a few days.

Fortunately, my doctor was on-call that night, so when they called him at 2:00 in the morning, he insisted I came in first thing in the morning and see him. With only water keeping myself upright, I dragged myself into his office the next morning and plead with him for an answer, something magical to fix my warped stomach and raw esophagus.

He prescribed me more IV’s. Ten days of IV therapy, pumping nutrients into my emaciated body so the baby would have a chance to make it. After day two of IV therapy, I decided to try a piece of bread. I nibbled a chunk of crust, and ten mins later, my body went into cahoots. Too much, too soon. I just stuck with water for the next two days.

A few days later I attempted a baked potato. I got a few bites in and I could feel my stomach digest it. Miraculously, the potato stayed down! So the next morning for breakfast, I ate another baked potato, with some butter, and my body felt like it was floating. Finally! Progress!

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling well-rested. I decided a bowl of Kix for breakfast sounded safe. I devoured it, sipping every last drop of milk and just sat there, eyes closed, feeling my body tingle, finding its equilibrium. After my IV treatment, I decided a bagel from 5th street Bagelry was well-deserved. So I wasted no time and devoured a bagel sandwich, giant cookie, and cup of diet coke and just sat, eyes closed, enjoying the absorption of nutrients and caffeine working its magic on my nervous system. A few hours later, I baked my mom’s famous brown sugar muffins and devoured two hot muffins with lemonade. Perfection. Chicken flavored Cup-o-noodles for dinner. Banana for bedtime snack. Then a handful of trail mix for when I woke up starving at 2 in the morning. Best part--it all stayed down.

With all the nutrients running through my body, I can think clearly now. It’s amazing how being cut off from normal every day things makes you appreciate the simple joys in life. I’m never complaining again.

It’s been physically challenging, obviously. But I would argue it’s been harder emotionally dealing with the Hyperemisis Gravidarum. It’s an extremely selfish sickness. I had to completely depend on someone else to ensure I stayed alive. There is no way I could have gone through this with a child, an infant especially, because I was a vegetable for almost three weeks straight. So I begin to question whether future pregnancies are even worth considering. Am I destined to have an only child? Will I get this sick every time? Will people judge me for choosing to only have one child? Is a reflection of my character if I choose to stop at one? Will I have to wait until my first born is old enough to take care of him/herself before I try again? I never thought I’d be at a point in my life where I had to consider the concept of having an only child, and/or adopting, or waiting ten years between each child. I guess I’ll just have to take it day by day for now.

Right now, though, I am full of optimism. I laid awake last night thinking about all the things I can finally start doing. Breaking from the isolation is first on my list. A trip to Seattle with my mom second. At this point, the world is my oyster.

All aboard!

I have risen back from the dead and can now blog about my recent experiences. Hold on tight.

I climbed aboard the baby express, unknowingly, but aboard regardless. I was slightly unprepared, however. I was lacking really important nutrients that growing embryos constantly suck from your bones. By week 6, yes I know that's early, I temporarally fell off the babytrain and got dragged behind, holding on  for dear life.

I got the text-book symptoms of morning sickness. Tired, pukey, and I realized living at my new house was a major problem because it was a stink pot of dirt, cat pee, smoke, and I couldn't take it anymore, so I decided to take over my old room at my parent's until I could handle my house again. It's been a month and I cannot get myself to go home. I'm afraid.

My first appointment went well. I got blood work done and without warning I passed out when she was putting the cotton swab on my arm. Yup, out cold. Then I woke up briefly, and passed out again, even colder. I finally gained consciousness after three nurses were called in and my body was propped just right as to get the blood back to my brain. Scary and embarrassing. and sweaty.

I carried on like sick fish floating in old poopy water for three weeks, functioning like an adult with special needs. The smells of shampoo and conditioner would have me running for the toilet, so washing my hair was out of the question for a while. Suddenly, my throwing up once or twice turned into throwing up 30 seconds after I put something in my mouth. Frustrating, especially since I was really lacking nutrients. It got to the point where I couldn't keep water, saltine crackers, sprite, or chicken noodle soup down.

I received some medical intervention, but I didn't know at the time I needed more, like an actual IV and overnight stay in the emergency room. My body closed down after a few days and one morning as I was laying on the couch, I woke up to take a nibble of dry toast, which magically stayed down. Next thing I know I had completely soaked my undergarments and the couch cushion with bright red blood.

So I, with the supervision of my mother, passed a lot of bright red blood, watching and waiting for my little baby to make an appearance. I was drugged up, in shock, and didn't quite grasp what was happening. I just stared while my mom cleaned up what looked like a homicide scene in the bathroom. I remember briefly passing out, escaping earth for a few seconds, and I remember seeing white clouds. My mom was touching my face and I thought angels were touching me. It felt so divine.

I came back to and sat up. Suddenly my stomach rumbled and I instantly craved strawberry yogurt. As my mom talked with the nurse, I had  a bowl of yogurt, jello, and leftover pasta all in one sitting. Even though I was mortified of what just happened, I really needed to get food in my stomach before anything else could happen. Color came back to my face and I was surprisingly stronger than I thought I'd be.

Back to the hospital we went. They took my blood, laying down, and I did just fine. Came back home and the smell of the lysol in the bathroom didn't bother me for once. I took deep breaths and just enjoyed the smell of the air-conditioning, dinner warming up, and my mom's shirt that she let me wear.

The next day the nurse called and read me my results from the blood test. My numbers were surprisingly good, but my white blood cell count was higher than they expected after a miscarriage, so they scheduled an ultrasound just to make sure everything was taken care of.

Six daunting days of waiting, guessing, throwing up still, and a trip to urgent care later, I went in and had an ultrasound. Expecting an infection, hemorrhaging, a possible D&C, I was nervous of what they were going to find. Would they give me medicine to help me finish bleeding completely? Would they tell me my cervix is completely ruined and I could never carry children again?? With deep breaths I submitted myself to their care and with a peaceful countenance allowed them to work their magic on me.

Right away the nurse picked up a heartbeat. Of course, she didn't say it was either mine or not mine, so her not saying it was my baby's made me panic. As she's putting the dopler away, she says confidently, "well, sounds like your baby is doing just fine." Tears came to my eyes as I said, "THERE'S a BABY IN THERE?" She looked at me like, duhhhh, and I just smiled to myself.

The doctor came in, did the ultrasound, picked up the heartbeat again, but picked up something of concern. As he showed me my little bean dancing and kicking, he pointed out a pocket of blood just hanging out near my placenta. I forgot the official words he used, but it's not  good. It is a threat of miscarriage if it comes out wrong. But, if I take care of myself and keep it easy, he said it will most likely come out painlessly, like a period, or re-absorb into my body. Until the excess blood goes away, I am still at risk of losing my baby.

Fortunately, I've been blessed by prayers galore. I know Heavenly Father is holding my hand through this because of the leaps of improvement I've made within the past three days. Medicines like Zofran and Phenagren are my crutches right now and I'm not ashamed. I have kept food down for two days straight and I can honestly say right  now I feel back to my normal self, pre-pregnancy. Besides the little waves of gross smells and the tightness of my pants around my belly, I am a new woman.

Ppregnancy is hard. I know women have it harder and deal with more than I had to this last month. But at the end of the day, all I can do is appreciate my mom a thousand times more for going through this SIX times, and wanting SIX babies, and sacrificing her life to bring us into the world. I kept asking myself "why?" over and over. Why do people do this? It is the most miserable thing I've ever done in my life. But then I heard the heartbeat loud and clear and then I remembered why.

I'll try to keep everyone updated, sans long-winded posts like this.
I need a cookie and a fist full of vitamins. TAKE YOUR VITAMINS!!!!

oh dear, june is almost over.

Today, in all my grossness, I went to TJMaxx and bought some much needed summer clothes. This good weather makes me happy and indulgent. Chocolate cake for breakfast, long hot bubble bath, shopping spree, and now a pb and j sandwich before a little TV and nappy time.

Father's day was delightful. Church was great, followed by an afternoon at the Greenway path with the dogs, then visits to both dads. If I was ambitious, I would find vintage pictures of each dad, but I'm not. Let's just say they are two handsome foxes that keep looking better each year.

I also got Taylor a Father's day gift but it was just a card, which I found out before I gave it to him that he thinks cards are LAME. Too bad for him. I will have to make it up and buy him a gun next year. or a trip to Hawaii, whichever he decides.  LOVE HIM.

Ok, June, normally you are normally a fun month, but this month has been awful. I hope July brings me back my health, my appetite, and desire to do those fun outdoor things people who live in Idaho do in the summer.

yummy

ahh I love love hanging out with my girls!!  From chips and salsa parties to just hanging out watching movies and talking through them, these are the times that I sooo take for granted.

I finally found what I want to plant in my front yard....I went to the nursery today and I was in heaven. For starters, I definitely want some Hollyhocks...

And of course, roses and wintergreen boxwoods.....

paradox

We watched "Last Comic Standing" tonight. Show is hilarious. My favorite so far is the old guy with coke bottle glasses and a blank stare. Reminds me of someone I know but can't place right now.

I can't help but wonder what is behind the jokes, though. Funny people aren't always as happy as they seem.

Growing up, I could get my mom rolling, just by telling her the crappy things I had to go through at school. And it made me laugh too. But sometimes I wonder if laughing about no one showing up to my birthday party once is really self-destructive behavior.

When I was three, I pooped my pants while on vacation. My dad was probably annoyed, so he stopped and looked for a laundromat to wash my clothes. I remember the lady at the counter was ethnic, and so to prevent any misinterpretation, my dad held my panties open, with both hands, exposing my muddy poo clinging on for dear life.

I don't remember purposely pooping in my panties, but I do remember instantly being embarrassed, ashamed of upsetting my dad to the point of showing something so personal to a complete stranger. I'm shy now, but I was pretty fragile then.

Sometimes, when I'm having a good hair day, I remember the class bully announcing to the class out of nowhere that my eyebrows didn't match my hair. When I'm feeling fit and energetic, I remember weighing myself in front of the class in PE, and my partner announcing my weight (when I was 30 lbs heavier).  When I'm feeling on top of my game, the pink poopy panties always come back and haunt me. And I am humbled.

But I think that's the charm of it all--putting painful memories into perspective and realizing the hilariousness that makes for awesome stories later. It brings people together to know they share a piece of traumatic experiences that helps shape our character. Whether it's funny or not, I think being able to confront your issues is healthy behavior. As horrible as this sounds, nothing makes me laugh harder than people telling their most embarrassing stories. Anyone who can expose their poopy panties to me is my instant friend.

whoops

Did you know you can soak dishes with hard-water spots in equal parts water and vinegar for fifteen minutes and they come out sparkly clean?

Well, I have been doing this since we moved into our house because we didn't have a water softener until this last weekend (thank you sooooo much Erika). Every few days I take the tote of vinegar water and dump it on the grass in the backyard. You're welcome, yard.

It's been raining and we have been expecting vibrant greens and soft crisp grass to walk on barefoot. Nope. it's brown, but just on one side- the side I dumped the solution on weekly.

Taylor is confused and I don't have the heart to tell him it's my doing.

whoops..

I'm going into the blanket business.

I want to learn how to knit and make these
for everyone I know. including you. Pick a color.

getting excited!

There's a lot going on in the Grow household right now, which is normal. If it's not one thing making me excited, it's another. Kind of how it's been since 2007 {when we met} awww. Problem with that, though, is I get excited about something, and then it doesn't work out, or plans change, or I just get lazy. So I get worked up about nothing at all, have to tell everyone it's not happening anymore, and then I feel like a fat liar.

Well the Farmer's Market thing fell through this year because my sis and I are soo busy, we don't even have time to talk about it. I put together a list of all the things we need to do to our house, and it's overwhelming.  Right now, we have arranged and re-arranged every room at least twice. I think it's finally proper for our lifestyles. But almost every wall needs to be painted from beige to pale blues, yellows, and maybe lilac. Still debating. Our bathroom needs to be gutted, and our basement too. We need a formal dining room kitchen table, if anyone knows where I can get a inexpensive one, holler.

Taylor is a busy busy man. He got the backyard in tip top shape, weeding and watering. If anyone knows where we can rent a bull dozer, let me know. I am looking for plants and flowers that complement the structure and orange-y color of the brick on the house. Ultimately, my goal this summer is to make the front yard look good enough that when people drive by they don't point and scream, "ewwwww.."

Ok, so the point of this post is I'm happily ten-feet-deep in projects that are begging for my attention. Half of me is happy, half of me wonders why I do this to myself? Have a hung around over-achievers too long, so now I feel like I have to always be doing something? Am I making up for when I spent all day perched on my bed or couch watching TV when it was beautiful outside (california '09)? Am I finally grasping the idea of "the future belongs to those who know what to do with today"? Am i completely neurotic for complaining when I really have it good. ugh. I don't know. I think I need an intervention. No way should anybody feel like they can't sit down for two seconds to check facebook or email when they need to be studying or ripping carpet out or looking up information about a potential business they want to get started by August. :) More about that LATER. I promise this time. I'm following through with this one.

On the bright side, I'm making pasta with pesto and tomatoes for dinner. yummrs. 

We are two peas in a pod, my mother and I.

I love my mom so much. She's truly the greatest and the best influence I could ever have. I don't deserve it, but am forever grateful I got to be put with her.

13

Good news. My 12 pg paper I haven't started yet is now due Friday instead of Wednesday. More time for me to update my blog and find other ways to put off this dreaded paper.

So we are all moved in to our first home. It took four trailer loads to haul two people's junk across town and all but one room is put together. Pictures? no, not yet. Not until we have everything situated, walls painted, and some pictures up on the bare walls. Our families have been wonderful to us and eager to help in any way possible. Our first day in our house fell on my niece's birthday, so naturally, a weenie roast in our backyard was in order.












Can you tell whose birthday it is?!! This is my little bro Richard chopping wood. He's a beast. He's also the best.

Wanna know what 13 means? It's how many times I've moved since I graduated from highschool. WOW. I think that means I have ADD or serious commitment issues if on average I'm moving twice a year. Taylor is convinced he's moved more, but he was in summer sales, not just a single gal in Pocatello trying to find her own place in the world. Needless to say, I'm super happy that for at least 3 years, we won't be budging. I'm so sick of packing up my toiletries, things rubbing up against my toothbrush, mixing hair products with cleaning products for the sake of room....ANYWHO....My sister Megan and I will be in this summer's Farmer's Market, starting May 8th probably. Stop on by and see what going on in Old Town. Trying to convince Taylor to play his guitar for tips. He's thinking about it. :)

Two more weeks and just a few more hoops and we'll be home owners. Yay! The end of the crazy home-buying process is coming to an end. Now I can lock myself away in my room and do some homework. My spanish is getting better, slowly. At this point, I would love to visit Spain or Mexico *hint hint Taylor* but El Herradero is good enough for now. TAMALE! those are so good. Ensalada, sopa, bebo diet coca cola. I'm still obsessed with food, can ya tell! I thought of good business endeavor; a little joint called Toast. A cute set-up like Starbucks, drive-thru window and all. What it is is about 5-6 ounces per slice of hearty homemade toasted bread with your choice of butter, honeybutter, cinnamon sugar, jam, peanut butter, etc. Healthy breakfast on the go. Simple. Delicious. Filling. Plus a side of fresh fruit or hard-boiled egg. Speaking of eggs, SO excited for my favorite time of year, EASTER! Things are looking up-just four more weeks of this semester, two more weeks til we're moved in, and about one more week until the weather lets me ride my bike to school. wahoo. I'll start posting more pics because i realize my blog is rather bare and boring. Chocolate bunnies, anyone!? hop, hop, hop

My little brother just got home from his mission. I remember the day we dropped him off at the MTC. The car ride to Provo he kept pretty quiet, as did the rest of us. I remember he made his last and final "text" on his phone, turned it off, and looked forward like it was no big deal. He was officially cut off from the world and I remember the panic I felt of knowing I couldn't just text him freely like I had before. I cried during the entire MTC welcome program, whatever those are called. I cried when I saw him hug Jenna goodbye, because she was crying. I didn't know until later that they weren't as close as I thought. I cried when I saw my dad pace the halls, wiping away his tears. I cried when I saw my mom in the rearview mirror discreetly quivering as she wiped her tears with a damp napkin. Our favorite Richard was leaving for two years. I kept telling myself that it was a good thing, and that I'd write him every week, and that it would fly by in a flash.

Friday evening at 6 pm, we all gathered at the Pocatello airport, anxious to see him. Two years had flown by, but two years is too long to be away from my little brother. He missed my wedding, something I really wanted him to be a part of. I even considered waiting just one more year until he got home, but it's probably best I didn't. He missed two years of major growth within the family unit. Two marriages, two births, and one job transfer so my dad could come back to Pocatello permanently. I know all of our lives were touched because of his choice to serve a mission, and I think he saw that within the first ten minutes of being home.

We watched his plane land, watched him walk down the stairs in his suit and backpack. He was greeted first by my mom. Happiest I've ever seen her. I looked at him and had a hard time recognizing my little brother. He was a man now! He saw me and we both just smiled from ear to ear. One of the best moments of my entire existence. We hugged and joked, I gave him permission to greet the rest of the family, because we could have hugged and talked for the rest of the night.

I still haven't had much one on one with him, but I'll give him a week or two to get settled in. Since he's been home, he's been on everyone's radar; I wish everyone would leave him alone. He's too nice to say 'no.' But I bet he would rather keep busy since that's what he's used to. He spoke in church today. Spoke about palm Sunday, conference, and Easter. All of my favorite things rolled into one. Then the choir sang and the spirit was totally ignited. Yes, again I cried, and I cried when my brother started crying, because I don't think I have ever seen him express emotion.

I love him so much. I'm sooo glad he's home. I hope we stay close for the rest of our lives, as much as I know he's old enough to fly on his own.

Richard's back, but now my little sister is gone. For a year. My poor mother. This is the only thing about being a mother that scares me; having my children leave me and come back a slightly different person, even if it's for the better. I don't know if I'll ever be mentally capable to let my babies go.

I'm so much nicer when i get my way

No spring break plans, however, we hope to be homeowners by the end of this week or next. House shopping is fun for me, but cranking out figures and negotiating with banks is not too fantastic. I think the TRUE sides of both Taylor and I surfaced for the first time in our entire relationship. He likes turds and I like gems. He likes square footage and I like floor plans. He's a closet interior designer and we both agree with how we'd polish whatever turd we buy, so that's good. Needless to say, I'm fine with doing NOTHING for a whole week. and by nothing I really mean do everything but on my own terms and not having to drive from work to school to home and back to school and back to work then back to home and stop at the grocery store or stop and get some gas or stop and babysit my nieces or stop at office max to fax something to my realtor or go to the library or lab or..... I'll fill you all in hopefully in a week. Then the moving begins!! yay...........

i have no filter

Things that bug me:

-Mischa Barton
-when people make silly requests with the word dear . Dear butt, please shrink. thank you. Vanessa
-when people start a sentence with "here's a fun fact...."
-when people describe everything as "fabulous." I know words come in trends, but this one is superfluous.
-When people say "happy day, my friends." Ok, hippie.
-hippies
-people who act like they discovered Anthropologie. I shopped there in high school ten years ago.
-people who overdress. for school.
-when people only talk about school. "so how's school." Mostly because I have nothing interesting to say back. Just make it easy for both of us and ask where I got my shoes.
-when people don't wear coats when it's clearly cold outside. This is Idaho, buy a coat.
-when people picket
-when people brag about how awesome someone they love is when the person they're bragging about is really just pulling their weight in life just like everyone else.
-Live, laugh, love vinyl lettering on walls and Real Deals three dimensional tin stars
-friends who go to EFY camp for one week and come back thinking they're better than you.
-fairweather mormons
and, last but not least,
-Bob Marley's music.

wow that felt good.

changing of the seasons

well I got glasses, finally. and......I don't love them. I wonder if I can go exchange them? And this time actually get ready for the day so I can really see what they look like on my face. I seriously just chose frames that didn't look horrible and now here I am hesitant to leave the house in them. It's nice to see, though.

also dyed my hair basically black, but after a few washes it's about right.

My little niece Lily. So sweet. She loves me so much. :) Got a new calling in church! super excited. I'll tell you next week.

my golden boys

As fun as he is to watch, I sure wish I could take Apollo Ohno seriously.

Shaun White, on the other hand, is my official biggest red-headed crush. His dimply cheekbones are adorable to me.

Finding a good picture of him, however, is difficult but sooooo worth it. If Apollo ever decides to shave his soul patch and lose the bandana, I'll put him right up there with Shaunypoo.

best way to spend your day off from school

I highly recommend this recipe. I know it sounds bizarre, but it's a delicious break from traditional chocolate chip cookies. My mouth just salivates thinking about them!!!

Christina Tosi's Compost Cookies

INGREDIENTS:

1 cup Butter
1 cup Sugar
3/4 cup Light Brown Sugar
1 Tbsp Corn Syrup
1 tsp Vanilla Extract
2 Large Eggs
1 3/4 cups AP Flour
2 tsp Baking Powder
1 tsp Baking Soda
2 tsp Kosher Salt
1 1/2 cups Your favorite baking ingredients!
(Kelly used mini chocolate chips, raisinettes, rollos & cocoa krispies)
1 1/2 cups Your favorite snack foods (chips, pretzels, etc)
(Kelly used goldfish, ritz, & fritos)

DIRECTIONS:

In a stand mixer with the paddle attachment, cream butter, sugars and corn syrup on medium high for 2-3 minutes until fluffy and pale yellow in color. Scrape down the sides of the mixing bowl with a spatula.

On a lower speed, add eggs and vanilla to incorporate. Increase mixing speed to medium-high and start a timer for 10 minutes. During this time the sugar granules will fully dissolve, the mixture will become an almost pale white color and your creamed mixture will double in size.

When time is up, on a lower speed, add the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Mix 45-60 sec just until your dough comes together and all remnants of dry ingredients have incorporated. Do not walk away from your mixer during this time or you will risk over mixing the dough. Scrape down the sides of the mixing bowl with a spatula.

On same low speed, add in the hodgepodge of your favorite baking ingredients and mix for 30-45 sec until they evenly mix into the dough. Add in your favorite snack foods last, paddling again on low speed until they are just incorporated.

Using a 6oz ice cream scoop, portion cookie dough onto a parchment lined sheetpan.

Wrap scooped cookie dough tightly with plastic wrap and refrigerate for a minimum of 1 hour or up to 1 week.

DO NOT BAKE your cookies from room temperature or they will not hold their shape.

Heat the conventional oven to 400F. (350F in a convection oven)

When the oven reads 400F, arrange your chilled cookie dough balls on a parchment or silpat-lined sheetpan a minimum of 4" apart in any direction.

Bake 9-11 min. While in the oven, the cookies will puff, crackle and spread.

At 9 min the cookies should be browned on the edges and just beginning to brown towards the center. Leave the cookies in the oven for the additional minutes if these colors don't match up and your cookies stills seem pale and doughy on the surface.

Cool the cookies completely on the sheet pan before transferring to a plate or an airtight container or tin for storage. At room temp, cookies will keep fresh 5 days. In the freezer, cookies will keep fresh 1 month.

Yield: 15 6oz cookies

ode to strawberries

I see you made your debut in the produce aisle
your price creeping from four dollars to two ninety-nine
in just one week

I would be lying if I said I was completely amused by your pervasive influence
because even though you make my life complete
it also means a wonderful season (I dare say a most special season) will soon cease.

I can still wear my boots, but only for a little bit longer.
My scarf-wearing days and glossy carmex lips will slowly transform
to flip flops, air-dried wavy hair, and berry-stained lips

The unusual silence
that normally hovers the city in the fragile hours of the morning
will be replaced by chirping birds building nests and street cleaners
sucking up gravel so my car can come to a complete stop at the bottom of
a very steep hill

Boxwood wreaths, chunky sweaters, dutch cocoa, reds on whites and whites on reds.
Seeing my breath on chilly mornings while scraping off my car windows.
Feeling complete just to sit in a warm car
listening to Joshua Radin
Winter

This is my ode to strawberries
The thought of you is bitter but sweet.
After winter, must come spring
everything is everything

Cheers to a whole-heartedly amazing winter season,
here's to hopefully a promising Spring.
I can't wait to utilize the fruits of your labor
and awaken the strawberry-blonde little girl
in me.

like nails on a chalkboard

does this song make anyone else besides me want to scratch their ears off??



I hope this doesn't totally ruin your day.

sometimes I hate my parents for raising me to have amazing manners.

what a week. school's back in, and break flew by way too fast. It's good to have a routine, though, and so far, I'm loving my non-general classes. Now I remember why I'm doing the whole college thing.

Well this post is dedicated to a certain breed of people: people who lack social grace. I mean, no one is perfect, but if my two year old nephew can sign "hello, aunt Vanessa," any adult who's met me more than once should hopefully be able to acknowledge my existence too.

Incident #1. -
Taylor and I went to my parent's ward for Christmas Sunday and as we were sitting, waiting for the services to start, an old co-worker of mine walked in the chapel. We immediately made eye contact, and exchanged smiles. But I knew her really well (a few years ago, she voluntarily took me under her wing and voluntarily gave me older sisterly advice about boys, money, life in general. We discussed her depression a lot, and she kept in touch with me to let me know all the ways she was getting better. At one point, we were going to share an apartment together, but that fell through...But overall, she and I had a special bond) so I decided a simple smile wasn't enough. So I was like "How are you??!! Are you in this ward??" then immediately introduced her to my mom and husband. "We used to work together, a long long time ago" I told them. Then she was like, "Oh, yeah! Mrs. Powell's. A long time ago." Then amidst my excitement, she leans over cheek to cheek with me and asks, "Remind me, what's your name again?"

Incident #2 -
I was working at the mall the other night and as a polite employee, I'm like super cheesy nice when I'm at work. I will sometimes get overly chatty with customers, but I keep it under control. Kind of out of character, so I think it throws people off, and I can understand. SOO anyways this girl that I know, went to church with, yada yada, walks towards the counter and I'm like "Hey!! How are you??!!" And she's like, "Good.....(hesitates)....." and I'm like "So what's new, are you living in Pocatello now?" and she's like, "No........." and I'm like "No? Boise??!!!" and she's like "No........" and I can totally see in her face the confusion. She has no clue who I am. So I gave up. I finished getting her a glass of water and said "Ok have a good one" trying to make it not awkward. Yah, I'm creepy and like to ask all my customers personal questions. C'mon, get a clue girl!! So as she puts her straw in her cup, she says "Phillips....it's a Phillips." And I looked at her like, "uh, yeahh...." slightly annoyed.

When the first incident happened, my mind froze and my mouth was like "Vanessa!" like "duh!! hello!!! don't act like you don't know my name, girl who looked me up in the phone book to send me a wedding announcement!" Looking back on it, it probably sounded a little rude, but I was NOT expecting to be asked to remind her what my name was!! That's just tacky. I would have preferred her to take a seat, think about it during the service, and when she finally remembered, come back and be like, "So, Vanessa, how's married life?" since I LOVE that question.

Maybe it's a matter of personal taste. I prefer to learn and remember people's names, and then use it when I see them because it helps me connect to that person better. And the older I get, connecting to people is important to me. If remembering names is difficult, then try harder, or fake your way through it until it comes to ya. There is nothing more socially awkward than making the other person feel like they're forgotten, even if they truly are.

So, naturally, since it's the first week of school, I've been a little avoidant. Hello Jr high vanessa again. How will I know that if I say Hi to someone in passing or on the bus, they'll say Hi back, or just give me a confused blank stare? Fortunately, so far, it's been a breeze. So many polite people who brighten my day with their smile. I even had a stranger, who thought I was someone else but realized I wasn't that person, ask me how I was, and still told me to have a good day. That, to me, is class.

So after incident #2 happened, and she figured out that "it's a Phillips," (yep, that's me alright) she just turned around and walked off. No "Oh, hey!!", or "I feel stupid for not realizing who you were at first" or anything. And to me, that is a total insult. But looking back, I'm not too offended because she looked like she put her makeup on in the dark, so my guess is there's something seriously, and bigger than forgetting my face/name, wrong with her.

Am I totally old-fashioned, or what? Should I start wearing a name tag wherever I go just in case? Kinda silly, really. But if I can find a cute one from Etsy, I seriously would wear a name tag. ahh hilarious! Short term memory generation, what?!! nah...

this one will probably bore you, don't feel bad if you can't get through it

This current song, Sweet Disposition, haunts me.

It reminds me of Bon Iver's Lump Sum, my sorta theme song from last summer.

Coincidence, Sweet Disposition came from the (500) Days of Summer soundtrack, and Lump Sum came into my life last summer, which almost felt like 500 days.

I miss last summer. Almost makes me cry when I think about the time I had, just me and Jonas in an apartment, completely away from family or close friends. Completely. My laptop kept two tabs open constantly: projectplaylist.com and blogspot.com, going back and forth listening to whatever song I was in the mood for.

I wrote a lot. I kept an online journal when I was emotionally exhausted from being alone all day. I sometimes go back and read those, remembering that specific day's events, what I was wearing, what Tv shows I watched. It's all tucked away deep in my brain and now when I sit down to reflect on my life, I think back to those precious days of desperately wanting to run to Idaho and barge through people's doors and hold them in my arms.

I missed my loved ones. I gained a huge appreciation for them and their efforts for treating me better than I treated them sometimes.

I miss the heat of the sun. The walk to the mailbox everyday at 2 pm, anticipating a letter from home. I miss the guy with a limp who shuffled past my window everyday. I miss the pool and the pretty landscape.

I miss Ina Garten, my temporary mother-figure, on Food Network. Her calming voice and gentle smile lifted me up right at the mid-day break where depression would sometimes filter in. Thank goodness for the sporadic afternoons when Taylor had a break and kept me company. I loved him so much for saving me.

I loved when my sweet niece Elise would call me during her sister's T-ball game. She'll never know how much those phone calls meant to me.

I miss going to Winco with Taylor and buying strawberry leather strips from bulk and eating it all gone by the time we got back. Ordering Pizza Guys at least once a week. The chic Elephant Bar with Johnny and Maren.

And Maren... I miss hanging out with her in the living room, watching TV and Jonas and Tito chase each other in circles. Discussing food, recipes, dogs, roses and butterflies. Okay maybe not the last two, but the conversation was always pleasant and uplifting. Thank you, Maren.

I finally got around to watching (500) Days of Summer and have watched it several times these past few days. It struck a chord with me; the heartache part. Saying goodbye to something you are attached to. Summer. Even if you're better since the transition, there's a sort of longing to find closure so you can really move on.

REALLY MOVE ON.

we left abruptly, and at night, and I didn't get to look back as we drove away, forever. Next thing I knew we were in Twin Falls and I felt like myself again. The smells, the feel of the crisp mountain air at 6:30 in the morning. The twinges of excitement knowing that in less than three hours I would be home sweet home. The familiarity flooding my mind, preoccupied with how I was going to spend my first week at home. I intentionally put my summer on the backburner, because being home was the only thing I could focus on for three months straight.

After my last final this last semseter, I came home, immediately crashed on the couch and drifted off to TV. Somehow, in the blink of an eye, four months passed by.

Memories of a less crazy time began to surface and that was when I realized I had it pretty good this summer. I couldn't help but fall in love with the summer I thought I despised. Take me back! I want my spot by the pool, my special trail that I took Jonas out to pee, and the fragrant floral smell that blanketed the air at dusk back. I want those long walks down Fair Oaks to the park, thinking of things I could make and sell on Etsy back. I want those occasional overcast mornings when I'd eat my breakfast looking out the window, Sunday mornings going to a family ward with kids running around, and late nights watching movies on the living room floor with Taylor. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button changed my life, I remember. So poignant.

yeah, give me a few months and I'll be whining about another time in my life I took for granted then later appreciate because it was simpler then. **sigh**

definitely a monet

I'm not sure what came over me, but one second I had the idea to make homemade bagels and the next second my kitchen turned into a mini-bagelry. These tasted good but I'll probably never make them again because it took way too much time. Good thing I made three batches and only ate one single bagel and threw the rest out. Taylor took one look at them and laughed. What?? They're hard to shape!!! Not as easy as it looks :)

K but seriously, if anyone has the yellow chicken curry recipe from the Thai restaurant in Lava they can lend me, I'd be most appreciative. thanks.

Your fireworks woke me up last night, jerk face.

Because I insist on seeing the silver lining in everything bad, I'm going to deviate from the consensus that 2009 was a crappy year. There were actually a lot of really good things that surfaced this year and I would be amiss to not acknowledge those things.

January 2009- got a calling in church with Taylor as Temple coordinators. Allowed us to go at least once a month for the first five months of our marriage. However, we never did sessions and when I came back from California and went with the ward to do a session, I forgot almost everything. SO embarrassing.

February- got a new puppy, named him Jonas to be funny, regretting it now.

March- Phil and Mandy tied the knot, so we could all hang out as married couples, whereas before it wasn't as cool to hang out when some of us were married and some of us weren't. ;)

April- Saw "Wicked" and loved it. I listened to the soundtrack maybe a million times, and even more while in California.

May- Put on a cute dance recital (all by myself) and managed to pack my life up and move to Sacramento two hours later.

June- Spent everyday poolside or at the park with my posse: Maren, Jonas, and Tito. Floated the American River, swung from a rope, slept in, watched television for hours, and fed my Don Draper obsession with Mad Men dvds.

July- Decided one day to try out the Citrus Heights library. Figured I'd check out a bunch of books and sit outside and read. After two hours of being at a bum-friendly fixture, I decided to walk back to my apartment. Taylor was in another city doing an install that would take two hours, then he had another one right after that, and I didn't know which bus to get on. Two hours and a quick stop at the mall later, I arrived home to an anxious Jonas. Funniest and most eventful day that summer. Oh did I mention it was during the hottest spell of the year? It was.

August- Discovered yoga. I know, I've been exposed my entire life, but have never actually tried it. It was close enough to ballet, which I liked, more comfortable than barre exercises, yet equally as challenging. My back pains healed themselves, my knees improved, and I felt stronger overall. I anxiously signed up for ballet III and Modern III for the fall semester, stronger than I have ever been in my life.

September- Came home, started school, started up again at Mrs. Powell's, lived with mom and dad. Happy to be up and about, while Taylor stayed home with the dogs. Reunited with my friends. Happy to be back and breathe dry Idaho air with a hint of manure. Loved holding my nieces and nephews. I missed them the most.

October- Found ourselves needing to find a place to call our own. Johnny hooked us up with an adorable two-story home in a wonderful neighborhood, and the best part was that it was within our ward boundaries. Oh and it had a fenced backyard for the doggies. Major blessing.

November-Moved into our new "home." We were blessed again when Taylor was offered a job at the site, after waiting months of following up. I turned 25 and decided my body is telling me something. Prayed and got an answer.

December- Had a major epiphany about my life and decided to, once again, change my major. I'll discuss it more when I get accepted and going, hopefully this semester. Got Taylor registered for his generals, that his work will pay for. My job was a mess for a few weeks, then we just decided it's time for a major change, which I'll write more about later. My sister had her fifth baby. Liam Bryce, after his deceased uncle Bryce Millward.

Life has been ever-changing this past year, and unpredictable to say the least. But I am so happy with where it took me and I am happy to be where I am at this very moment. Honestly, the best part of my entire year was the summer break in a new place with new faces, having a lot of time to ponder and pray for answers. The biggest lesson I learned was that as long as I'm working hard, at something-anything-, I receive my answers, and extra forms of mercy, so this just confirms what I've been taught my entire life is true, regardless of the economy woes or sudden deaths. It's good to be validated after years of struggling, wondering if it's worth it.

It is.

Cheers 2009.

Happy New Year!