Bound

I'm not a blogger. I don't own a business to advertise online. I deactivated my Facbook account again, and I am not a fan of Twitter. I stopped crazily baking everything from Pinterest, so I use it mostly to look at what other random people are pinning. I use Instagram for convenience, but I have like 20 followers. Though, if I were a blogger, owned a business, and enjoyed socializing with my friends and family through Facebook, then I would live up to the standards set by my generation. Unfortunately, I'm not that cool and the thought of trying to be overwhelms me.

I mentioned that I'm trying to cut out about half of the stuff in my daily life that doesn't necessarily help my progression or thwarts growth. Oddly enough, maintaining this blogspot has really helped me more than I give credit for. It's not for self-promotion, to sell anything, or to necessarily make friends. It's not for others, it's for me. 

I started blogging one random day a few summers ago (like five years ago), and it was before any of my friends blogged. So, I blogged a lot of silly stuff. Then I got married and suddenly my life was exposed to a lot of eyes and it absolutely influenced how I blogged from then on. It introduced a new pressure of representing not just myself, but my husband, his family, his friends, and everyone in the mix, in the very best way. I deleted some of my best posts because I didn't want to offend anyone- When really, I just want to write funny stories about my most embarrassing, private moments, because those are the best stories, and because I like to go back and read those stories. 

I don't blog for feedback. Sometimes I cringe when I see someone has commented on a pointless, stupid post about nothing significant. I feel bad that I'm putting out material that is mediocre and doesn't truly represent my truest self. 

I've changed tremendously in five years, but I'm still the same. I've thought a lot about deleting this blog, hence the lack of posts, but sometimes I just need somewhere to release or collect my thoughts and have the buffer of anonymity to protect me from being liable of saying something that's wrong, or masked, in attempt to protect mine, my family's, my husband, and his family's image.

So, I'm giving vapdance (haha good one) another go 'round because, simply put, I want to. I'm turning comments off. I have no idea if anyone reads this or disagrees with my philosophies or perspective on little issues. I have no idea what my audience is, and I'm not worried about offending anyone because if you're reading this, you've been warned. All I want is to go to a place in my life where I can announce little things, like, "I planted hollyhocks in my front yard today", followed by a picture. So that in a year, I can look back on how my hollyhocks have grown and thrived. Those are the things that interest me, that I am interested in promoting, and want to share with whomever passes through at any random time. 

Speech, over. La vie est belle. Now I want to blog about it.

He's Back!!

After a weird summer of filling my days with seemingly meaningless "busy" work, all that was rewarded with the homecoming of my husband from his six month obligation with the US Navy. He graduated from boot camp, A school, then C school. On September 21, 2012, he texted me at 8:30 am saying "DONE DONE and DONE." I let out a huge sigh. His flight didn't arrive until 11:30 p.m. that same day to Salt Lake City Airport, but we were both wide awake enough to drive home and sleep in our own bed, together, finally. 

And then the very next day was the first day of Fall. My favorite season ever-next to Winter. And with the change of seasons came a fusillade of decisions of what's next for our family. I have kind of been a basket case, once again, as we try to work out the finite details and still try to enjoy ourselves as a family in great circumstances and happy times and smiles and late-night movie watching and ice cream dates. While it's all so sooo good, I have been wrestling with my insecurities that seem to always surface during uncertainty. If I learned one thing from our time apart, it is that I just need to trust in the Lord and trust my husband will come through and get us where we need to be. 

I realized how overzealous I get, and last year was the perfect example of this character flaw. Coming home from Primary's was a huge adjustment on many levels, and presented new and different types of stress. I misinterpreted the stress and decided I needed to be superwoman in every capacity. So many people helped me get through my weird pregnancy and subsequently weird labor and post-par tum situation. Like, literally saved me! I owed my life, money, most prized possessions, and whatever it took to return the favors. I earnestly looked for ways to help everyone around me in need. I had an infant who needed me, but I took on bigger obligations. I had a husband who needed me, but I gave my attention to others. I took one for the team several times by insisting on serving, at any cost, because I felt I'd be ungrateful if I didn't over-extend myself and my resources (though limited) and my talents to care for the welfare of others. Then suddenly, I woke up and my husband was gone and it was finally apparent how badly I needed him, how badly he needed me and how badly my baby really just needed my time. 

I am all about over-extending oneself when the time calls for it. And I know that all my efforts were done with good intentions, as we have been blessed beyond measure. Writing this post has been hard. But I feel strongly that my time should be spent focused on the two people who need it most. I felt like I need to challenge myself to cut out extra activities and put husband and child before all else. It seems selfish and maybe ignorant when there are so many people who could use something from me, by me, through me, and with me. Though I want to, love to, and can help, right now I can't over-extend myself and I can't feel bad for feeling that way. 

Taylor will be attending school wherever he can work, too. I'll update as soon as we find out where our paths take us! WELCOME HOME SEAMAN TAYLOR!!