my personal gethsemene

Wow. Thanks everyone for their concern and support. I guess a simple announcement would have been more kosher, but I like to give people something to read, beyond the obvious. So, here's some more of what's been going on in my world. 

Last time I checked, the baby still has a heartbeat. But many a scary things have happened in the last 3 weeks alone, I have totally changed my outlook on life.

Anti-nausea medicine worked for a few days, enough so I could go to work in the morning, but the rest of the day I slept. I lived off milk because it made me feel nourished. Ice cold milk=MMM.

Then I got really sick. I passed more blood, assuming it was the pocket of blood because it was dark brown and came out slowly. I started throwing up around six times a day again. I was light-headed and struggled just keeping my eyes open and fixed on something. Well, one morning I threw up five times before 9:30 am, and I felt the beginning of something horrible taking over my body.

Finally, one morning I surrendered and told my mom I couldn’t take the throwing up any longer. We got in the car at 5:30 am and headed to the emergency room. Of course it took 45 mins to get a nurse in the room to stick an IV in my wrist. Three liters of fluid later they sent me home and I felt better, comparatively. My face and eyes were puffy from crying and having water pump through my veins.

I got put on a clear-liquids diet. Unfortunately broth, jello, popsicles, peppermint tea, and Gatorade continued to come back up. I went another 24 hours without food and little water, so I went to the ER again, was given another liter, but this time consulted with a doctor who diagnosed me with Hyperemisis Gravid arum (aka extreme morning sickness). Since water was all I could stomach, they told me to just drink water for a few days.

Fortunately, my doctor was on-call that night, so when they called him at 2:00 in the morning, he insisted I came in first thing in the morning and see him. With only water keeping myself upright, I dragged myself into his office the next morning and plead with him for an answer, something magical to fix my warped stomach and raw esophagus.

He prescribed me more IV’s. Ten days of IV therapy, pumping nutrients into my emaciated body so the baby would have a chance to make it. After day two of IV therapy, I decided to try a piece of bread. I nibbled a chunk of crust, and ten mins later, my body went into cahoots. Too much, too soon. I just stuck with water for the next two days.

A few days later I attempted a baked potato. I got a few bites in and I could feel my stomach digest it. Miraculously, the potato stayed down! So the next morning for breakfast, I ate another baked potato, with some butter, and my body felt like it was floating. Finally! Progress!

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling well-rested. I decided a bowl of Kix for breakfast sounded safe. I devoured it, sipping every last drop of milk and just sat there, eyes closed, feeling my body tingle, finding its equilibrium. After my IV treatment, I decided a bagel from 5th street Bagelry was well-deserved. So I wasted no time and devoured a bagel sandwich, giant cookie, and cup of diet coke and just sat, eyes closed, enjoying the absorption of nutrients and caffeine working its magic on my nervous system. A few hours later, I baked my mom’s famous brown sugar muffins and devoured two hot muffins with lemonade. Perfection. Chicken flavored Cup-o-noodles for dinner. Banana for bedtime snack. Then a handful of trail mix for when I woke up starving at 2 in the morning. Best part--it all stayed down.

With all the nutrients running through my body, I can think clearly now. It’s amazing how being cut off from normal every day things makes you appreciate the simple joys in life. I’m never complaining again.

It’s been physically challenging, obviously. But I would argue it’s been harder emotionally dealing with the Hyperemisis Gravidarum. It’s an extremely selfish sickness. I had to completely depend on someone else to ensure I stayed alive. There is no way I could have gone through this with a child, an infant especially, because I was a vegetable for almost three weeks straight. So I begin to question whether future pregnancies are even worth considering. Am I destined to have an only child? Will I get this sick every time? Will people judge me for choosing to only have one child? Is a reflection of my character if I choose to stop at one? Will I have to wait until my first born is old enough to take care of him/herself before I try again? I never thought I’d be at a point in my life where I had to consider the concept of having an only child, and/or adopting, or waiting ten years between each child. I guess I’ll just have to take it day by day for now.

Right now, though, I am full of optimism. I laid awake last night thinking about all the things I can finally start doing. Breaking from the isolation is first on my list. A trip to Seattle with my mom second. At this point, the world is my oyster.