After a weird summer of filling my days with seemingly meaningless "busy" work, all that was rewarded with the homecoming of my husband from his six month obligation with the US Navy. He graduated from boot camp, A school, then C school. On September 21, 2012, he texted me at 8:30 am saying "DONE DONE and DONE." I let out a huge sigh. His flight didn't arrive until 11:30 p.m. that same day to Salt Lake City Airport, but we were both wide awake enough to drive home and sleep in our own bed, together, finally.
And then the very next day was the first day of Fall. My favorite season ever-next to Winter. And with the change of seasons came a fusillade of decisions of what's next for our family. I have kind of been a basket case, once again, as we try to work out the finite details and still try to enjoy ourselves as a family in great circumstances and happy times and smiles and late-night movie watching and ice cream dates. While it's all so sooo good, I have been wrestling with my insecurities that seem to always surface during uncertainty. If I learned one thing from our time apart, it is that I just need to trust in the Lord and trust my husband will come through and get us where we need to be.
I realized how overzealous I get, and last year was the perfect example of this character flaw. Coming home from Primary's was a huge adjustment on many levels, and presented new and different types of stress. I misinterpreted the stress and decided I needed to be superwoman in every capacity. So many people helped me get through my weird pregnancy and subsequently weird labor and post-par tum situation. Like, literally saved me! I owed my life, money, most prized possessions, and whatever it took to return the favors. I earnestly looked for ways to help everyone around me in need. I had an infant who needed me, but I took on bigger obligations. I had a husband who needed me, but I gave my attention to others. I took one for the team several times by insisting on serving, at any cost, because I felt I'd be ungrateful if I didn't over-extend myself and my resources (though limited) and my talents to care for the welfare of others. Then suddenly, I woke up and my husband was gone and it was finally apparent how badly I needed him, how badly he needed me and how badly my baby really just needed my time.
I am all about over-extending oneself when the time calls for it. And I know that all my efforts were done with good intentions, as we have been blessed beyond measure. Writing this post has been hard. But I feel strongly that my time should be spent focused on the two people who need it most. I felt like I need to challenge myself to cut out extra activities and put husband and child before all else. It seems selfish and maybe ignorant when there are so many people who could use something from me, by me, through me, and with me. Though I want to, love to, and can help, right now I can't over-extend myself and I can't feel bad for feeling that way.
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