a baby story

I need to blog and catch everyone up to date. I just knew it would take forever to do, and I have zero free time being a new mommy. But my dad is here at the hospital today sitting with Sawyer and now I have an opportunity to write.

Soo...Rewind to December 28th.

I was a month away from my original due date. I had an appointment with Dr. Cox and all went well until he measured my belly. He was concerned with how big I was measuring for 35 weeks. I of course instantly thought it was because I was carrying twins. Ha! He scheduled me for an ultrasound to double check that the baby was ok. I wasn't too worried. Ha again! So I went home to take a nap, then went back to the office with my mom this time. During the ultrasound, everything looked great. Just one baby. My heart dropped slightly. But the baby looked healthy and active, which is all I needed to know. Just as we were wrapping things up, the ultrasound technician noticed the baby didn't have a visible stomach. In fact, not once in the 30 mins did she notice amniotic fluid being swallowed. So she kept me for another hour to carefully watch his swallowing and trace the amniotic fluid. An hour later, he hadn't swallowed anything and his belly never filled with fluid. That probably meant there was a blockage somewhere. Not exactly sure, she then referred me to a perinatologist (high-risk specialist) at the University of Utah Medical Center to get a better idea of what was wrong. To say the least, this turned my world upside down. Just as soon as I was starting to feel better, I get this news. Two days later Taylor and I go see the doctor in Utah. Long story short, he basically tells me to plan on staying in Utah until the baby comes because I was then considered "high-risk" and the baby probably, most likely, had Esophageal Atresia. Good news about EA is it's completely fixable and there was nothing to be worried about. Completely, 99.9% fixable. Thank goodness. Ha!

I packed my bags and left Pocatello on January 4th with my mom. Luckily we had an awesome place to stay for the 6 weeks we were expecting to be here. Ha Ha. Six weeks! So I lounged around for a week. Because I was retaining A LOT of amniotic fluid, I was Huge. Ginormous. I had a snail's pace and slept very poorly because I couldn't breathe easily. My next appointment was January 10th with the specialist. The first thing out of his mouth was "you're huge. you're as big as a house. let's get you induced tonight." UMM Two weeks early!? OK! Sure!

So, that's the reader's digest version of learning that our lives would never be the same.
I won't divulge into the actual birth story, because it was a nightmare.

So our precious baby Sawyer Jackson Grow was born January 12, and he did indeed have Esophageal Atresia. By the way, we decided on the name the night before he was born. We are so indecisive, but Sawyer felt right. I got to hold him about an hour after he was born. I looked horrible, but hey, I had been through hell to get him here. I was beyond happy to finally meet him. NOTHING compares to the first moments they place your child in your arms. NOTHING. He had a suction in his mouth to suck out spit since he couldn't swallow. He was asleep and calm. I kissed his little head and face until I had to hand him back to the nurse so they could wheel me back to the recovery room. That was the beginning of me having to surrender my child to a nurse's care, but only for 6 weeks, right?

The first week was a blur. I just remember the doctors and nursing staff giving us an abundance of information to process, and I was just trying to get over the fact that I had just been cut in half to get a little person out of my body. I lost 40 lbs in the first two weeks, which apparently was all amniotic fluid weight. It felt good to have my body back. We received the news that Sawyer had Long Gap Esophageal Atresia, so if you want to google it, you can learn more about it. It's the least common type of EA, and a pain in the butt in the sense that we'd have to stay in the hospital to let his esophagus grow long enough before it can be fixed. So all that talk of 6 weeks was a bunch of crap, as we are going on 10 weeks, with at least another 6 to go. The average stay in the NICU is 3-4 weeks. Multiply that by 3 and that's what we get to endure.

You know when you expect to be able to bond with your newborn after you spend 9 months carrying them around in your womb? You know how you don't expect to see your baby hooked up to several machines with an IV line in their tiny hand?  It sucks in ways I never expected it to suck, on top of having to deal with his condition. It took about three weeks, but I was finally able to really bond with Sawyer, able to really hold and cuddle him. The first time his eyes got huge when he heard my voice was amazing. He knows and needs and prefers his mommy. That's been the crescendo to this whole experience. I have officially assigned myself as his "nurse." First thing in the morning, around 8 or 9 am, I am at his bedside and the nurses know that I stay all day, only taking breaks to pump, eat, or to leave during mandatory shift-changes where parents aren't allowed in the rooms. Even though I get to go home and sleep uninterrupted during the night, it's pretty rough walking away from him night after night.

Longest post ever. sorry. He was born 5 lbs 2 oz and currently weighs 8 lbs 3 oz. His esophagus has grown 3-4 cm and it needs to grow about 1-2 more cm. The surgeons will perform another endoscopy April 11th to measure again how long or short the gap is. We're hoping to be home with our baby by May 1st, but ya know, could take longer. So if you see me out mowing lawns this summer you'll know I'm doing it to help pay off our million-dollar baby. I love him so much, I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. Like I said, he's my world, and the joy he has brought into our lives is purely euphoric. As much as I hate the circumstances, I don't want this time to end. I love the fragile first few months and I'm so glad I was able to be here with him.
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first stretch of the 26 hr labor

 full head of hair!

 they let me hold him a few days after he got a g-tube

 how sawyer gets his nutrition

 changing his diaper

 working with physical therapist

 loves LOVES dad

 some of his outfits are ridiculously adorable

 suction was moved to his nose so he could enjoy sucking his binkie

IV in his hand before surgery to fix pyloric stenosis.